overcoming self-doubt

I was a bit emotional yesterday. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was because my kids are STILL fighting a cough/runny nose/no sleep kind of sickness (and I feel I've tried everything to help them), or maybe it was signs of spring getting so close yet still so far away. I went from being elated with joy because I FINALLY ran over 20 MILES on Saturday!! I remember really doubting that I could ever actually run that far and wondering what in the world I was thinking when I signed up for the Boston Marathon. So when I actually ran between 21-22 miles along the course (Newton hills and all), non-stop (didn't even need to stop for a potty break!!), I felt so overcome will pain JOY and a feeling that I proved to myself that I'm capable of more than I give myself credit for.

That said, I've felt like I've slacked on my job as a mommy/wife. There are days when I feel like super woman and can do it all and then there are days when I feel so selfish for training all the hours that I have, for not being as strict with Andrew's diet as I should,  not getting a meal prepared so having sandwiches and fruit for dinner, for not being a good wife. I taught Sunday school yesterday and felt so energized, positive, and like I was making a difference in those 8-9 year-olds lives. Then I got my feelings hurt over a small comment about "needing to do some spring cleaning before my marathon" (because REALLY- shouldn't  that be the FIRST thing on my mind in the next 3 weeks: cleaning the house every weekend??!!!). I've always been super hard on myself and kinda wear my feeling on my sleeves so to speak. So now with getting no sleep, very sore, exhausted, very nervous about an upcoming life accomplishment that I still doubt I will actually be able to do- well, my emotions are kind of all over the place. I went into this knowing it was a selfish thing and that it would take time. That I would need to ask my husband for his help and that I would have to put some responsibility on the back burner (even though I did actually get a job during this whole ordeal….that's a whole other story!!) But sometimes I let the smallest things/comments unleash all the self doubt I try so hard to fight.

I truly think life is about reflecting on our mishaps, our accomplishments, and our relationships (spiritually and earthly), and trying to find the happy medium between creating our own "self-worth" while building the self-worth of others around us. That's actually my strength (always has been)- being in touch with my emotions and even those of the people around me. So it's been a HUGE challenge being so far from our close family and friends and building those meaningful relationships here in this stage of our lives. I thrive on positive reinforcement which is why I usually turn to Facebook
(and may have a bit of an addiction…first step is admitting!) We have made some of the best friendships throughout our life's journey and have so much support from family, and I couldn't accomplish anything without those relationships. I try to instill the best qualities in my babies (and TRY SO HARD not to show them my weaknesses), but let's face it- we are all human and we all have our moments of being weak and we need those around us to lift us up ( and spiritually NEED God to lift us up). That's what running has done for me. And I hope my emotional roller coaster from this journey helps someone else understand- we can truly do ANYTHING if we put our minds/hearts in to it and trust that the Lord is there to help us when we fall. So those are my deep words for the day. God bless.