**Pitty-Party Alert** ;-)
Something I was pondering about as I drove home from work today was all the "roles" I now try to take on in my life. I have to admit...I had it pretty easy the past 2 weeks with school being cancelled and me being off for 6 of the last 10 work days. On the other hand, being at home in my pjs, spending the day playing with my 9 month old made it that much harder to get back into the groove of things and get my "teacher face" back on. This week was hard....really hard. TAKS tests are around the corner and my students are no where near where they should be in the school year. Trust me. It's scary. I can't quite decide if it's just my group of kids this year (I do have 8 that were retained at some point in their school career), or if it's because I have a new, extremely important job: raising my son.
A friend of mine at work once told me I had to decide which job I wanted to do ok at and which job I wanted to be the BEST at: a mommy/wife OR a teacher. I thought she was crazy. Of course I would choose mommy-hood and being a good wife to Todd. Well, as time progressed and my students' needs seemed like they weren't being met, work became something that flooded my thoughts, my time, my sanity. I didn't mean for it to happen, but work kind of started controlling me. So, I backed up and decided I wouldn't bring work home and would only accomplish what I could between 8-5. Well....you know where that got me....I beat myself up when I saw a kid struggling in writing, not knowing what a root-word was (or the difference btwn consonants and vowels for that matter...and yes, I teach THIRD grade), not knowing that Texas is the STATE we live in..not the country...it goes on and on. SO...what did I do...I had to come up with a plan, make phone calls, go to LOTS of meetings, spend every-waking moment I'm at school TEACHING and RETEACHING until these kids "got it." Which led to me completing paperwork, online-training ( yes, teachers still go through trainings every year to keep up to speed with "the times") grading, lesson planning, replying to emails....all AT HOME.
So, there are only 24 hours in a day...minus my 9 work hours, 1 hour driving to and from work, 2 hrs. cooking, feeding Andrew, cleaning the kitchen, trying to keep my house clean/laundry, and sometimes throw in an hour workout now and then maybe 6 hours sleep...well, you see where this is going..."and...when do you see your HUSBAND?" Hmm...well, somewhere along the way I was a mommy/wife and now I'm a mommy/teacher...and now that my sister is living with me, I am now a mommy/teacher/sister/wife...OHHHH and FRIENDS! Yikes!! Where have I been when they needed me??? And and am I giving God the credit He deserves? I am a Christian and want to share my faith with other believers and be a faithful follower...but it sure is nice to catch up on sleep on Sunday mornings. Where has all this time gone the last 9 months?? OH Yea, I've been busy being a mommy/teacher/sister/wife and guess I completely forgot about those much needed parts of my life! :( Don't get me wrong, I still talk to some friends on the phone every once in a while, I will grab dinner with some of them occasionally, talk on FB pretty regularly...but man...I really think I have lost touch with a lot of my really great friends. And I admit....I'm at fault. And I went to church a few weekends ago with my sister and still pray almost every night and thank God for my wonderful baby boy, health, husband. But is it enough?
So as I'm driving home thinking about all the stuff I left at work due to the fact that Andrew had a doctor's apt. at 4:30 (and the doctor's office was 20 minutes away) and the TERRIBLE DAY I had, and how I need to be a better teacher, talk to the parents about problems I'm noticing, etc. etc....be a better wife by picking out the perfect valentine's present for my hubby and complaining to him less and less, and be a better friend by calling them and planning to meet up for lunch.....I end up missing my baby boy's doctor's appt. Now, I will say I ran into terrible, awful, no-good traffic as I was heading down 20 towards Dr. Raine's office....but I blamed myself and MY JOB on the fact that we weren't going to make it in time...and we didn't. :( For the first time in a long time...can't even remember....I cried out loud....for a long time. And as I was crying, I kept thinking, "I'm being a terrible mother, crying in the car while I should be completely focused on the road! What if he was old enough to understand mommy's crying like a kid and looks silly." I must admit that it felt good to let it all out. And Andrew WAS fast asleep in the car and couldn't hear me. ;-) But yea...I probably looked like a complete idiot. Anyway, it's been hard for me to find my place this year. I need a solution and I guess I just need time and practice. Hopefully one day I will nail all my roles down (or at least come to the realization that something's gotta give and I need to know how to "share myself.") I have a wonderful husband who helps out and has a lot of patience with me. I just worry I have lost him in all my "roles". I hope he understands that I am still trying to be a good wife by cooking, cleaning, doing things around the house. But sometimes all I want are more hours in the day. Who knows...it could happen. ;-) Here's a little clip of my baby boy. It takes my computer way too long to load videos and I just now realized this was a short version of the one I wanted...but it's still adorable. :)
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